The jerks of the board of education
by Shadowgate
Summary: Have you ever gotten in trouble in school for something you should not have? Or have you ever gotten a harsh punishment at school that was just that, unjustly harsh? This story maybe for you.
1. Chapter 1

The jerks of the board of education

By Shadowgate

…

Summary: Have you ever gotten in trouble in school when you really shouldn't have? Or did you get in double trouble because of school politics or a current social agenda in effect? If yes this story is for you.

…

School was about to start it was 7:55 AM and Stan was by his locker.

Kenny asked Stan "what was it you wanted to tell me?"

Stan answered "well last Friday I was taking a dump at the mall restroom."

Kenny starts laughing and Stan goes on to say "this big black guy was in the restroom I could see through the side of the stall. Anyhow he kept opening the door and looking out. There weren't many people in the mall because it was 2PM and remember we got off school early but anyhow he kept looking out the door. Then he went into a stall beside me and I smelled fire. He lit something and then I smelled something that smelled this weird chemical type smell and it occurred to me he was smoking crack."

Kenny said "holy shit."

They went to class and Mister Garrison started a lesson on Edgar Allen Poe. At 8:15 AM an announcement was made by Principal Victoria.

"STAN MARSH COME TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE! STAN MARSH COME TO THE GODDAMN PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!"

Cartman said "damn what did you do Stan?"

Stan said "I don't know."

Craig commented "if the principal called me to her office like that I would be so unhappy."

Mister Garrison asked Stan "were you and Kyle making out in the hallway?"

Stan answered sarcastically "yes Mister Garrison Kyle and I are as gay as you are."

Kyle thinks to himself "if I ever go on a school shooting spree Mister Garrison will be my first target."

Stan got up from his desk and went to the principal's office.

When he got there he saw a very angry school principal.

Principal Victoria asked Stan "do you recall shortly before class you and Kenny McCormick were having a conversation by the lockers?"

Stan answered "um yes I did speak to Kenny just before class now that you mention it."

Principal Victoria stated "well you're aware that all this week the directors of the Colorado State Board of Education are visiting this week. Guess what! Three of them overheard your conversation with Kenny and I'll be speaking with Kenny soon. As for you Mister Marsh I have called both your parents. I have your dad on the speaker phone."

Principal Victoria hits a button on her telephone and says "Mister Randy Marsh your son is in my office now."

Randy says "Stan this morning I got a flat tire on my way to work and while I was changing the tire some punk kids that were driving by flipped me off. I've been in a bad mood to begin with and now you get sent to the principal's office for talking to Kenny about a crack head and some other bullshit. Stan will you just behave yourself at school Goddamn it?"

Randy hangs up the phone and then Principal Victoria says "I'm waiting to hear back from your mom. She said she was busy with patients at Tom's Rhinoplasty Clinic but she will be calling back."

Principal Victoria had one angry look on her face and Stan just exhaled.

Principal Victoria told Stan that Mister Mackey along with Mister Adler would both join her in deciding his punishment.

Soon after that the phone rang and it was Stan's mom. Principal Victoria put Sharon's mom on speaker phone.

Sharon Marsh said "oh hello Principal Victoria you needed to speak to me because Stan is in trouble?"

Principal Victoria goes on to say "yes your son Stan was overheard by the board of education directors talking about his bowel movements and a black man smoking crack."

Sharon said "oh well first of all he deserves detention for talking about his bowel movements and second of all I hope he didn't make any racist comments about the particular black man smoking crack because white people smoke crack as well."

Principal Victoria added "white people like Eric Cartman's mom smoke crack yes indeed."

Sharon and the Principal started laughing and Sharon said "Principal Victoria could you do crack and have threesomes like Mrs. Cartman?"

Principal Victoria responded "I don't know but with the Board of Education directors visiting I want to drink like Kenny McCormick's dad."

Sharon and Principal Victoria both laughed their asses off and Stan had a big look of shock on his face over the gossiping.

When Counselor Mackey and Mister Adler entered the principal's office they pointed out they had to make a big announcement. After the big announcement all the students gathered in the gymnasium for a big assembly. Stan was told to go to the gym as well and that there'd be a punishment he'd be informed of later.

In the gym Kyle asked Stan what happened in the principal's office.

Stan explained "oh I was talking to Kenny about that crack head that was in the mall restroom the same time I was. Remember I told you about that Kyle? Well I got in trouble because some of the visitors overheard me talking to Kenny about it and now I'm in trouble. I have to report to the principal's office during recess because I'm in so much trouble."

Kyle said "oh well it will blow over."

Stan said "no I don't think so. Principal Victoria said she has no choice but to come down hard on me. Oh but get this she called both my parents. My mom had to call back because she was busy and when my mom called back the principal put her on speaker phone and they both gossiped."

Kyle asked "they gossiped about whom?"

Stan answered "oh about Cartman's mom being a crack whore and about Kenny's dad being a drunk."

Before Kyle could continue in the conversation a man got up to the podium.

He stated that he was the head of the Colorado State Board of Education. He went on to talk about how he along with teachers unions throughout the nation controlled education. He went on to talk about how they'd be cracking down on bullying and profanity. After a two hour speech the kids were worn out. Most of them had to go to the bathroom afterwards.

At lunch Stan and Kyle sat together. They noticed Craig had his IPOD and he was listening to music.

Kyle asked Craig what he was listening to and Craig said "oh my parents got me into a band called Accept. I'm listening to their first album from 1979."

Kyle said "damn they're old."

Craig said "so they're old they're better than all these shit eating pop stars of today."

Kyle smiled and Stan said "I wonder what my punishment will be. Now I know how Cartman feels getting in trouble and knowing something severe is in store."

Cartman says "well Stan like I said this school is full of lying pigs."

Kyle put his hand on Stan's shoulder and said "relax we've been in trouble for talking dirty before."

Stan said "well I can't believe they gossiped the way they did. Here I am in big trouble and after the principal chewed me out for talking about inappropriate stuff in school and then she turns around and gossips with my mom. Oh and that head of the department of education talking about how he's in charge and teachers are protected by unions! He made it sound like schools can do whatever they want."

Kyle said "shh" and pointed at the men in suits who were with the department of education.

They were over in the corner chatting.

Soon lunch ended and Stan reported to the principal's office.

Principal Victoria along with Counselor Mackey and Mister Adler were there.

Mister Adler stated "Stan Marsh you can't screw around like this in school."

Mister Mackey stated "school is not a place to talk about shitting in a toilet um kay. It's very rude and board of education directors did not find it funny um kay."

Principal Victoria said "you have three days of in-school suspension for this."

Stan asked "what is in school suspension?"

Counselor Mackey explained that it is normally used for middle school and high school kids but they decided Stan deserved something harsh. He went on to explain that he'd spend the next three days in an isolated room doing school work and getting no credit whatsoever. He also explained there'd be no recess and to bring a sack lunch because he would not be allowed to eat lunch in the cafeteria.

Stan had a big look of shock on his face and Principal Victoria snapped "well you deserve it!"

They told him to get back to class and the in school suspension would start tomorrow.

3PM

The kids were heading out of the school building and as Stan and Kyle walked out Kyle was in shock over the news.

Kyle said "I can't believe it and you're not even going to get credit for your work."

Stan said "oh and Principal Victoria along with Mister Mackey and Mister Adler spent a good deal of time chewing me out. I don't want to come to school tomorrow let me tell you."

5PM

Stan's parents got home and they went over the whole conversation and Stan's whole day at school.

After going over the whole day of school with Stan and yelling at him for 45 minutes Sharon said "Stan baby if someone is smoking crack you should get as far away from them as possible."

Stan just wanted to get away from his own parents.

Sharon went into the kitchen and soon she screamed "RANDY MY WEDDING RING WENT DOWN THE DRAIN."

Randy replied "that's like the 17'th fucking time this has happened."

Stan went up to his room and shut the door.

Stan's cell phone rang.

It was Craig and Craig said "damn Stan I heard about what they're going to do to you. That really sucks."

Stan said "no kidding."

Craig said "I was going to share a great legendary rock band with you called Accept but maybe you should listen to the song Unforgiven by Metallica."

Stan said "well I'd love to listen to Accept with you sometime Craig but right now I'm dealing with my unforgiving parents."

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Chapter 2

The Jerks of the Board of Education

Chapter 2

By Shadowgate

…

The next morning when Stan's alarm clock went off he got out of bed and said "fuck."

He sure wasn't interested in going to school today but he had no choice.

When Stan arrived at school Kyle and Kenny were waiting.

They told Stan they would walk with Stan to the principal's office because they wanted to stand by him in his time of need.

Stan was so appreciative.

As they walked through the hallway Stan started feeling rage. Why was the principal snapping at him yesterday as if he'd murdered someone?

Counselor Mackey was standing outside the principal's office. When the three boys arrived Kyle asked "what room will Stan be in?"

Counselor Mackey showed him a small private classroom and Counselor Mackey explained this classroom has only been used in the past as hey holding cell for students whom they called the police on and had arrested.

Stan said "will the door remain locked?"

Counselor Mackey replied "no we can't lock a student in there for more than 10 minutes" and right after Counselor Mackey got finished Principal Victoria came out and said "we'd certainly like to though."

Kyle was in shock at the look of rage on Principal Victoria's face.

Principal Victoria said "Kenny we'll need to see you in our office about the conversation that Stan had with you."

Kenny asked "am I going to get in-school suspension as well?"

Principal Victoria answered "you're lucky you're not."

Principal Victoria signals Kenny to enter her office.

At 8:30 AM Kenny enters Mister Garrison's class looking really pissed off.

Mister Garrison asked Kenny why he was late and he answered "because Principal Victoria is on her period."

All the boys in the class laughed and Kenny handed his note to Mister Garrison excusing him for being late.

When Kenny sat down he said to Kyle "I got detention for listening to Stan tell his story about the crack head in the motherfucking bathroom."

Kyle had a frown on his face and said "damn just for being around to hear him tell a story that was deemed inappropriate for school you got detention?"

Kenny replied "it's bullshit!"

Mister Garrison said "okay class starting tomorrow as you've probably heard already you all will be going to the natatorium for swimming lessons for a period of two weeks tomorrow. I know this is short notice but I'm passing out field trip permission slips."

Mister Garrison said "oh and don't worry Stan will get a permission slip as well. This is mandatory because so many retarded children drown in bath tubs far too often."

Kenny said "oh don't worry Cartman can't fit in a bathtub because he's so fat. He'll have to worry about falling down in the shower."

The whole class except for Cartman laughed.

Cartman said "go lick your mom's pussy Kenny."

Kenny shot back "you go lick your mom's pussy you fat ass bastard."

Mister Garrison said "how would you two like to go to the principal's office and then you two will both join Stan in that little room."

Mister Garrison had a big smirk on his look. Kyle thought "oh I just wonder what our perverted teacher was thinking?"

When Mister Garrison turned his back Kyle flipped him off and whispered to Kenny that Mister Garrison was a pervert.

When school let out Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny caught up with Stan.

Stan was furious.

As the four boys walked out of school Stan said "Oh I didn't even get to eat lunch because I totally forgot to bring a sack lunch. Oh but they're going to let me go to the natatorium for the next two weeks because they have to offer it by law. I mean shit how was I supposed to remember to bring a sack lunch with all the bullshit going on?"

Kyle said "Stan you better eat soon because you're shaking."

Stan replied "well I hope my parents will sign that permission slip so I can have some time out of that jail cell."

Stan holds the permission slip but soon drops it due to shaking.

Kyle said "let's get you to a Burger King."

Luckily Stan had a ten dollar bill in his wallet to eat at BK. He was starving.

Stan's parents agreed to sign the permission slip because he explained to them he was allowed to go and that the state was endorsing it due to children drowning so often.

The next morning the kids were lined up for the bus. They would be changing in the locker rooms at the South Park Community Center.

Terrance Mephisto walked up to Kyle and said "oh Kyle I'm sure you've missed your boyfriend Stan."

Kyle replied "fuck off Terrance."

Two buses pulled up. One driver was a man and the other was a woman.

The woman said "hello children my name is Mrs. Hubbard and this is Mister Seal. You kids lined up on the left side of the school will be riding my bus."

As Mrs. Hubbard got on the bus Kenny whispered "you guys this shit is not cool. She was a teacher that my brother had and my brother told me she's a total fucking bitch."

Stan said "well let's just be cool now she's just a bus driver."

When they got on the bus and took their seats Mrs. Hubbard said "okay is Stan Marsh in here?"

Stan raised his hand.

Mrs. Hubbard went on to say "well Stan you're the first kid in elementary school I know of to get in-school suspension and I heard that from some other teachers in this school. I used to be a teacher myself and I got my eye on you."

Stan was shocked and disgusted.

Kenny turned to Kyle and said "I told you."

They went to the community center and when they got there they all got in their suits.

Terrance asked Kyle "hey Kyle are you going to give blowjobs to your friends like a little bitch? This locker room is convenient with all the boys' cocks showing freely."

Kyle answered sarcastically "oh Terrance I know you're jealous since we broke up."

Everybody laughed at Terrance and his eyebrows shot up and his eyes were full of rage.

When they got out the coaches told them they would not be getting in the pool on the first day because they were going to watch a video on pool safety.

All the kids groaned. Cartman asked "what was the point of getting in our suits?"

Kyle said "Cartman I got to hand it to you that is an intelligent question."

Cartman said "thank you Kyle."

After they got on the bus to head back to school some kids put the windows down and started singing out the windows. The bus driver pulled over and she was going to chew them out big time.

"ALL OF YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE THE WINDOWS DOWN. NEVER PUT THE WINDOWS DOWN AFTER COMING FROM THE COMMUNITY CENTER POOL. YOUR HEADS ARE WET AND YOU COULD GET SICK! YOU THREE THAT PUT THE WINDOWS DOWN, I'LL BE TALKING TO THE PRINCIPAL ABOUT YOU AND I KNOW YOUR NAMES BECAUSE THERE ARE ASSIGNED SEATS."

Terrance, Bill, and Fossy were reported to the principal for putting their windows down. Stan was reported to the principal by the bus driver because she claimed Stan gave her the evil eye.

At 3PM Wendy was standing by her locker and she was pissed.

"THAT MOTHERFUCKING BUS DRIVER GOT THE PRINCIPAL TO SPEND 30 MINUTES YELLING AT STAN OVER NOTHING. THAT FUCKING DISGUSTING CUNT!"

Wendy's eyes were blood red she was so mad.

Cartman said "Mrs. Hubbard is a fucking bitch."

Wendy said "it's great we're on the same side Cartman now move out of my way."

Cartman said "yes ma'am" and took off because he hadn't seen Wendy this mad since he made fun of breast cancer.

Clyde slammed his locker and said "Mrs. Hubbard can go eat shit in her fucking cupboard."

Craig said "yeah fuck Mrs. Hubbard."

Terrance, Bill, and Fossy sang in the hall way "Mrs. Hubbard oh she jacks off in her cupboard."

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Chapter 3

The Jerks of the Board of Education

Chapter 3

By Shadowgate

….

The next day the kids were lined up for the bus trip to the community pool. Principal Victoria was outside and when she passed by she asked Stan "are you going to behave yourself on the bus today Stan?"

Stan was shocked by what Principal Victoria had just done.

Kyle stepped up and said "Principal Victoria Stan sat quietly through the whole trip to and from the pool yesterday."

Principal Victoria glared at Kyle.

Fossy said "hey Kyle stuck up for his boyfriend."

Bill laughed and said "they're gay."

Kyle and Kenny both flipped them off.

When they got on the bus all the kids continued to make jokes about jacking off and shitting in toilets.

Craig and Tweek got into a fight so Mrs. Hubbard stopped the bus and threatened to take all the kids back to school.

When they got off the bus Stan said to Wendy "I wonder if she'll report Craig and Tweek for fighting."

Wendy said "don't worry about them they're actually going to let us get in the damn pool today so let's enjoy our swimming lessons."

Stan said "you're right Wendy and everyone knows that the joke I told Kenny hardly warranted a punishment."

The instructor asked Stan and Wendy to demonstrate the backstroke.

Stan and Wendy swam side by side looking into each other's eyes.

Stan could hear his own heart pounding and he wanted to stick his hand inside Wendy's bathing suit.

After swim practice was over all the kids dried off in the locker room and got dressed. They headed back to the bus. Some kids were allowed to get sodas.

As they exited the community center Mrs. Hubbard saw kids with soda cans.

Mrs. Hubbard demanded "WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE CANS OF SODA? KIDS SHOULD NOT BE DRINKING SODA ESPECIALLY THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING."

Mrs. Hubbard demanded the kids dump their soda cans in the trash. Luckily all the cans were empty because the kids had finished them.

On the way back to school Stan sat silently. The rest of the boys on the bus however sang a song.

"Old McDonald was sitting on a bench. Hitting his knee with a monkey wrench, and then he missed his knee and hit his balls. Then he started to piss all over his overalls. He went to the kitchen and he went to fast. He stuck his finger up his grandma's ass. Then his grandma said 'get your Goddamn finger out of my asshole' oh poor old McDonald he sodomized his grandma."

At that time Mrs. Hubbard pulled over the bus.

She was mad and was ready to go on a tirade.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. DO YOU KIDS THINK IT'S OKAY TO CUSS ON A BUS? OH I'M SURE THIS ALL STAR STAN MARSH HAS BEEN A BIG INFLUENCE ON YOU. FIRST I SAW AT LEAST 10 OF YOU WITH SODA CANS OUTSIDE THE COMMUNITY CENTER AND NOW THIS! OH WELL WHEN I TALK TO THE PRINCIPAL YOU KNOW WHO TO THANK, YOU KNOW WHO TO THANK."

Mrs. Hubbard gave a glaring look at Stan.

Stan was disgusted like it was his fault every boy but him sang that song on the bus. Stan thought to himself "when has it become a crime for kids to drink soda?"

When the kids got back to school they walked back to Mister Garrison's class.

All except Stan who had to go to the in-school suspension room and he was so irritated.

Mister Garrison got up in front of the classroom and said "okay some of you think it's funny to sing songs with dirty words on the bus. Principal Victoria is not happy and I've been told to address the situation though I'd rather not. Children when you sing songs about someone sticking their finger in their grandma's rectum it can get people offended."

The class started laughing.

Mister Garrison went on to say "Goddamn it children pay attention."

When Stan got home his parents were still at work.

Shelly came out into the living room and said "well I heard from Kevin McCormick that the bitch is back and she's your bus driver to the community center for swimming lessons."

Stan said "yes and plus I got in school suspension. That punishment is only used in middle school and upper school. I just have one more day of it but the bus driver is blaming me for everything when I did nothing wrong."

Shelly said "Ole Mrs. Hubbard is a busy body. She'll go out of her way to find something wrong. Oh and in school suspension for telling a story that all juveniles your age talk about. It's bullshit! Hey Stan take off your jacket for a few minutes."

Stan looked at her and asked "why?"

Shelly said "just do it."

Stan took his jacket off and then Shelly got behind him. She started to massage his shoulders. Stan began feeling the tension slowly slip away.

Stan said "oh Shelly that feels so good."

Shelly said "after dealing with Mrs. Hubbard you deserve this."

Stan started to feel better after 10 minutes.

TO BE CONTINUED


	4. Chapter 4

The Jerks of the Board of Education

Chapter 4

By Shadowgate

…

Email to Shelly009

From StanQMarsh87

Dear Shelly

The massage you gave me was so great. Today was my last day of in school suspension and I'm so fucking glad. They pile you with work and expect you to do it all and you get zero credit for it. It's not supposed to be for kids in elementary school but the principal found it necessary to do so.

Anyhow last night I had a horrible nightmare. I had a dream I was walking through the school hallway and when I turned a corner I saw Kenny with his hood down and he was kissing Wendy.

I yelled "WHAT THE FUCK" and they both turned to look in my direction. Kenny's eyes turned red. Wendy said "Oh Stan did you honestly believe I had any love for you?"

Then I heard the song Evil Woman by Black Sabbath played over the school intercom.

I woke up screaming but I'm so thankful that it was just a fucking dream. We'll always be brother and sister. I know sometimes you get mad in life and I'm an easy target. I get mad in life as well. I used to beat up on Pip because he was an easy target and obnoxious. He was killed some time ago and speaking of getting killed I'm sorry about your true love Larry Phegan.

I'm just so glad that there was a time we could get along as I felt everyone was against me when I got in trouble with Principal Victoria.

Speaking of Principal Victoria today after school I knocked on her office door. There was no answer so I opened it. I saw her kissing one of the board directors. She explained to me that The State Board of Education had her and the rest of the people under so much stress.

It turns out she'd been dating one of the board directors off and on and he told her they would all be hard on the school officials. That was why they were cracking down on everyone.

I still have to deal with Mrs. Hubbard sadly. Principal Victoria told me about Mrs. Hubbard having been a teacher at South Park Elementary School. By the look on Principal Victoria's face I can only imagine she drove everyone fucking crazy.

I mean seriously the bitch says it's a crime to give a kid soda pop. What country do we live in again?

I'm just glad when the chips are down you bail my ass out. When Trent Boyette wanted to kick the shit out of me and my friends you were there. Sure you held me accountable for my dishonesty in preschool but now more than ever kids are holding other kids accountable for their actions.

Anyhow getting back to Principal Victoria, I never got an apology from her for an overwhelmingly harsh punishment but she's backed off and lightened up.

Oh and before I finish this email I will just say Mrs. Hubbard can go eat dog shit in a motherfucking cupboard.

Your Brother Stan.


End file.
